Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Woe is me and tender mercies

So this is totally and completely random considering I haven't posted for...what, 6 months? But I have some thoughts that I wanted to jot down before I forgot and this was the easiest place at the moment. (I do intend to post here...I do! Just too busy!)

After almost 2 years of strange and inexplicable infertility, and then a miscarriage, I am finally pregnant. I'm now 11 weeks, and happy that we can provide Claire with a sibling and add to our family. It is a happy outcome to what felt like a long trial and an answer to many prayers.

The thing is, ever since I've gotten pregnant I've faced an entirely new set of trials. The week I got a positive test, I was battling a nasty cold, and since then I've had one cold after another. Seriously, a new one almost every week. The last one turned into a horrible bout of bronchitis requiring antibiotics.

Add to that the fact that right after the positive pregnancy test, I had to go on 3 business trips to the east coast...while battling bronchitis...and battling morning (ALL DAY) sickness...and not having anyone at work knowing I was pregnant. Trying to slap a smile on my face each day as I woke up in a strange city, hacking up a lung and gagging in the bathroom, was tough.

Thankfully, the bronchitis went away finally, and I finally wrapped up what will hopefully be my last business trip for a long time (maybe ever?) just this last week. But now the pregnancy sickness has hit full force, and some nights I can hardly function- leaving Brady to take care of everything and Claire wondering what has happened to her mother.

And now...the day I returned home from Virginia Claire had a runny nose and I panicked, remembering the all-too-recent 4 terrible colds and bronchitis. Despite my best efforts though, I've picked up cold #5 and I'm sitting up late, congested and unable to take medication. I've hit my wall. My sanity is hanging by a thread. I can't take it anymore. I have been nauseous, gagging, occasionally barfing, dealing with heartburn, and so exhausted I feel like I could lapse into a coma for weeks on end. I've flown thousands and thousands of miles in a matter of weeks. I've spent more time during this pregnancy congested and coughing violently than I have spent healthy. I. Am. Spent.

I feel so drained. I can't be sick, exhausted, and then even sicker while working full-time, being a mom, being a good wife, being social and friendly, trying to sell our home and keeping it clean, fulfilling a calling, trying to stay in decent shape, being a supportive sister and daughter and friend...I just can't.

So anyway...to get to my point. Tonight as I went to bed with sinuses ready to burst, a runny nose, and wheezing I just hit a wall. In my prayers I begged to be healed. I asked Brady to give me a blessing, desperately hoping that he would would pronounce a miracle on my head and that I would wake up healthy. But instead he blessed me with patience, that I might grow through my afflictions. He blessed me I would recover eventually, and the baby would be healthy, and that I would have the strength to fulfill my responsibilities. He blessed me to remember that Christ suffered all and understands what I am going through, and again blessed me with patience and understanding and growth.

Afterwards he commented how amazing blessings were. When he put his hands on my head, he wanted to bless me that I would feel better right away, and he tried a couple of times, but it just wouldn't come out and instead he told me all those other things...I knew those were the things I needed to hear.

On my last trip to Virginia, I was so upset about having to go. Words can't even describe my dread. But I distinctly remember the thought that these trials were meant for me to learn and grow and gain experience. And interestingly, on all of my trips my morning sickness has been inexplicably lessened and I've been able to manage on less sleep and a strange eating schedule. Again, on this last trip I had the distinct impression that it was a tender mercy from my Heavenly Father. Yes, I had to go through the hardship of the trip and time away from my family...but He was going to try to make it easier on me. How blessed I felt to know he was mindful of me in my difficult times.

For whatever reason, the Lord sees fit for me to go through the "refiner's fire" over these last several weeks. It must be time for me to learn and grow, and that is coming through physical difficulties. But I'm grateful for the impressions I've received- for continued revelation. I'm grateful for the Priesthood and that I have a husband who can give me blessings and help me feel comfort and what the Lord wants for me. I hope I can have the strength to handle this gracefully and count my many blessings, and maybe someday feel healthy and strong and like myself again. But in the meantime, I'm grateful for the tender mercies that are regularly bestowed upon me.